


I don't wanna love somebody else

by Happyvillagin



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Children, Death, F/M, Family, Fluff, Home, Song fic, Tour
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-22
Updated: 2014-08-22
Packaged: 2018-02-14 06:41:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,740
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2181825
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Happyvillagin/pseuds/Happyvillagin





	1. Chapter 1

I looked down at the flowers on the floor. So this was it. This was goodbye. I looked down at the little boy holding my hand, he was crying but not quite sure why.   


“You ok matey?” I asked him. He nodded his head and rubbed his snotty nose on his hand that wasn’t in mine.

“Why is marmar crying? Does she miss daddy?” the little boy asked me innocently. I just nodded at him.

“Yeah she does. Why don’t you go and give her a hug?”

“Will she feel better Mummy?”

I bit my lip a little looking into his little blue eyes, just like his dads.

“Maybe baby.” I smiled. I watched him run over to his grandma and give her legs a massive hug, not waiting for her to bend down or for her to pick him up. I giggled slightly with tears in my eyes. No. I couldn’t cry. Not now.

I shut my eyes to hold the tears back, opening them again to see my son with his arms around my mother-in-laws neck, her holding him up, kissing her cheek over and over again, desperately trying to comfort her. She let him continue and when he stopped she kissed his forehead. I walked over to them and took my son. He let out a groan.

“Come on sweetie. Leave Marmar alone. She’s got some people to talk to.” She held onto my hand as I took Eli from her.

“I’m sorry.” She said. I nodded and carried Eli to the opposite side of the patio.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**_ 2 weeks prior _ **

I walked into the living room at 8.30 to find my 5 year old son sat watching TV still.

“Come on Eli. You’re up late aren’t you? Time for bed sweetie peas.” I announced removing the remote from his hands, placing it near the Telly and turning it off. He jumped up and lifted his arms up to be carried. I did as he wished and carried on through the room to the stairs.

“I was watching the telly.”

“Were you?” I said, trying to sound interested.

“I was watching Daddy.” He nodded.

“Daddy was on TV?” I questioned watching him sit up in my arms a little more than he already was.

“Yep.” He clapped. “It was that really cool song. My favourite.” He started moving his hands around like a conductor and waving his arms like he was dancing. “The one dats like. Herrr derrr derrah dah hada hada ehba. Sabadah Oh eh oh. Sabadah eh oh eh. OOOOOOOO.” He raised his hands over his head and began moving them down with a bit of jazz hands on the end hitting me in the face.

“Oh I know which one you mean darling. Ok calm down a little bit. The funny one?”

“Yes, when daddy is dressed up like the silly man.” We reached his room and I placed him on the bed so I could get him some pyjamas from the drawers. He sat forward on the end of his bed, leaning over the footer. “Dat one is my favourite. What’s it called again?”

“Best Song Ever, babe.” I turned around with some new pyjamas in my hand and gently threw them onto his bed.

“Oh.” He sighed.

“Come on. Jim jams time.” I clapped at him because we had been practicing him getting into his pyjamas and clothes on his own for when he went to stay with his Grandparents in Ireland in a few weeks’ time in the summer holidays. He managed to get his bottoms on all on his own but his head got stuck in his t-shirt and wouldn’t come out.

“Mummy. I’m stuck.” I got up from my seat in the corner of his room and grabbed hold of the top and pulled it off his head. He began rubbing his ears and complained that it hurt a little bit but everything was ok. He shimmied up the bed and got under the covers. I reached over this bedside table to pick up his story book that Niall had been reading to him over the past week. “No mummy.”

I looked at him and questioned him. “What darling?”

“Daddy is going to finish it with me when he gets home. I don’t want you to read it.”

I nodded. He always had special story with Niall before bed from the special story book that he would bring home from tour or somewhere he’d been. This book was no different. To any normal 5 year old, it was just a book but to Eli it was special and magic because his daddy would make everything come to life stories from special places, like an adventure he would tell me.

“When is daddy coming home?” Eli questioned. I sighed quietly.

“Daddy will be home soon. But you will probably be asleep when he gets home. He’s been busy today with some friends.” Eli sighed again. “Don’t worry honey. You can see him tomorrow, ok?” He nodded and snuggled down in his bed with his toy crocodile under his arm.

I quietly stepped out of the room, wishing him a good night and slipped downstairs into the kitchen. I slumped down on a stool near the table which Eli had use to sit on when we made cakes earlier, reaching forward to grab one of the pink ones he made for me. I poked the little silver balls on it around and picked one off for me to eat.

 

“They look nice.” I heard from the door way. I looked up to see Niall standing there, all beautiful as usual. “Hey.” He said walking over to me.

“Hallo.” I replied, not moving from my seat. He leant down and placed a short but sweet kiss on my lips and continued walking past me to the sink, leaning on the side.

“Eli in bed?”

I nodded. “How were people?”

“Yeah they were good. We had a bit of dinner and a bit of a drink. Nothing too damaging.” He laughed, turning to the sink.

“Do you want a cup of tea while I’m over here?” he asked. I replied with a yes as he went in the fridge to get the milk and something for him I presumed. I heard him groan as I picked another silver ball off my cake.

“You ok?” I quizzed.

“No milk. I think Eli finished it this morning.” He slipped past me again going to the door way. “I’ll back in a few minutes.”

 

I ran after him and pulled him back, wrapping my arms around his waist and linking my hands behind him. Niall replicated my actions and leant against the wall in the hall way.

“It’s ok. I don’t need tea. I can go tomorrow when I take Eli to school.” I begged. “Please don’t go again. I miss you when you’re gone.” I jutted my bottom lip out and Niall brought his hand up to my face, an outstretched finger playing with my lip until I pulled it back in. “Eli missed you today you know.” Niall looked away.

“I know. I promised him I would finish that story.” I nodded at him.

“Don’t worry I said you could finish it another night. He understands you do stuff.”

He looked sad. He lurched forward, pressing another kiss to my lips then one to my forehead, removing himself from my arms. He held onto the door handle and pull it down, opening the door.

“I’ll be 10 minutes.” He said reassuringly. I smiled and shook my head.

“Ok.” I smiled, making my way back to the kitchen.

 

On reaching my stool again I sighed and thought how lucky I was to be so happy with my life. It was almost perfect.


	3. Chapter 3

I was woken the next morning by a knock at the door. I looked around and realised I was still in my kitchen, the sunlight bursting from around the edges of the blinds nearly blinding me. I wandered slowly to the front door and opened it groggily.

“Good morning.” A voice said. I opened my eyes wider and saw a policewoman and a policeman stood in my front door way. “Are you Mrs Horan?” I nodded slowly. “May I please come in?” I nodded again. Inviting her into my living room with a show of an arm.

“Is anyone else here?” the woman asked.

“My son is asleep upstairs I think. Shall I get him?”

“No, no. That’s fine.” The man said, finally talking.

The woman told me to sit and I did. She stood in front of me, very tall and quiet until she took a deep breath, both sat down and spoke.

“I have some very bad news. Last night a body was found and it has been identified as your husband, Mr Niall Horan. He was dead when found.”

Just then all breath left my body. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t think, I didn’t want to think. Everything just stopped. My breath, my heart, time.

“I’m sorry for your loss. Is there anyone I could call who could come now?” I noticed that the policewoman was talking again and looked at her and smiled.

“No thank you.” I could feel my nostrils flaring and my chest tensing up. “How did he die?”

“We’re waiting for an official coroner’s report at the moment but it is believed that he was stabbed.” Said the man.

“Are you sure it was him? Because he was here not long before then.” I laughed. “I mean he was ok…he was- oh my god.”

I sat back on the sofa and hugged my knees into my chest. I buried my face in them and just stared at them trying not to let go of anything.

I heard my son bounding down the stairs and into the living room, looking at the funny lady and man sitting on the sofa. He saw me and came over to me, putting his arms around me.

“Mummy, what’s wrong?” I said nothing, just sat up and smiled at him. He was only 5, how was he going to understand what was going on?

“Nothing baby. Honest.” I hugged him tightly pushing my face into his shoulder. I let him go into the kitchen to get his breakfast from the cupboard and I ask the police officers if they wanted a drink.

“Yes please. Water is fine.” They both replied. I walked into the kitchen to meet my little boy who was now sat at the table with his box of cookie crisp and a bowl. I ruffled his hair as I walked past him to get a glass of water before returning to the living room.

I handed the glass over and sat back down, breathing out slowly and looking at the woman again.

“I’m sorry but I have some questions.” I said. She nodded and told me they would answer to the best of their ability. “Ok. Where was he found?”

“Behind Spencers newspaper shop. He was found by a Mr Henrys, the owner of the shop.”

I nodded. “Yes we know him well.” Mr Henrys was a good friend of ours. I wondered how he was holding up. “I erm…where was he stabbed…like where in his body?”

The man spoke up again. “On a first look, only a single stab wound to his chest was found but the coroner will be able to give you more information when the autopsy had been done.”

I nodded again.

“Mummy?” I heard from the kitchen.

“I’m busy baby. What’s wrong?” I shouted back at him.

“I think we’ve ran out of milk.”

Milk. On hearing that word my eyes welled up. That was why he had gone out. That was why he was gone at that time. That is why he was dead. All because he wanted to make me some tea. I put my head in my hands and sobbed, trying to be quiet. I wanted the world to swallow me. I wanted it to stop and just …just stop. I just wanted everything to stop.

 

A few moments later I was brought back into the world by Eli putting his arms around me.

“Mummy? Please don’t cry Mummy. Please stop crying mummy.” His eyes were full of tears as well. He didn’t know what was going on and he cried because I cried. He didn’t understand.

“I’m not crying baby.” I said rubbing his back. The male officer stood up and asked again if there was anyone I could call over, offering to call anyone I needed. I stood up to get my phone from the floor, where I’m guessing it would have fallen and rang my best friend. I smiled at the officer as he took Eli out of the room a second while I called Poppy.

“Hello?” I heard from down the phone.

“Hello.” I said shakily.

“Babe, are you alright?”

My voice cracked and I couldn’t speak. The female officer took the phone from my hand and explained the situation to her. She told her she would be round as soon as she could and she wasn’t lying. She didn’t waste time in wrapping me in her arms and muffling my sobs with her jumper she had thrown on.

The officers made sure everything was fine and promptly left making sure I was I good hands. Eli once again came and sat on my lap and looked into my eyes.

“Mummy you need to stop crying. You need to take me to school.”

I shook my head slightly, rubbing his shoulder. “No honey. I’m not taking you to school today.”

His eyes lit up with excitement. “Is daddy taking me?” he shouted.

My breath was taken out of me and I snorted slightly before pulling him towards me and holding him so tightly I thought I was going to suffocate him. I dug my chin into his back behind his shoulder and I could feel his chin on my shoulder. He tried to pull away but I brought him in tighter and whispered to him.

“No baby. Daddy isn’t taking you. Daddy has gone away.”

“When’s he coming home?” I let out a teary sob making the back of Eli’s pyjamas wet.

 I regained my words and carried on pushing him away from me so I could look into his face.

“Daddy’s not coming home sweetie.” I saw tears begin to fall from his eyes.

“Did he leave? Doesn’t he love us?” he said coughing.

I felt so guilty. “Of course he does. He will always love us. He didn’t leave. He was taken by some bad men. They decided they didn’t like him and they took him away from us forever. He erm…” I coughed again. I didn’t think I could say it. Not to my son. Not to our son. I didn’t want to admit it already that there was no way back. But there wasn’t. He wasn’t going to, so maybe the sooner I said it, the better it would be. I took a deep breath and said it. “Darling? Daddy died.”

He looked at me with a blank expression. God he was like Niall. His mouth his nose, his complexion, his eyebrows, his forehead, his eyes. Every detail was almost exactly like his fathers, now more than ever. What he did next surprised me. He didn’t cry. He didn’t scream. He smiled at me.  I was confused.

“So is he in heaven with your gran?” I remembered when my grandma died and Eli had cried for hours until Niall had told him that she was somewhere better. I was never a big believer in religion and didn’t believe in a religious sense but I wanted to believe that there was somewhere else where everything was better and that you went there when you die. I nodded to him, trying not to cry again. “Mummy we don’t need to be sad. Daddy is in heaven so he will wait for us. He will wait for us at the big gates that are all white. That’s what he told me. Daddy said we don’t need to be sad because gran wouldn’t want us to be sad. Daddy wouldn’t want you to be sad Mummy.”

He hugged me. I thought I would need to console him but instead my little baby boy looked after me and reassured me that it would be ok. He was the only thing left of Niall in the world except memories and I couldn’t protect him from being hurt right now. He helped me.


	4. Chapter 4

Every night after that, Eli slept in my bed. I didn’t want to sleep alone and he didn’t want me to cry. I took him to school on the third day because he asked to go back. I couldn’t deny him that. I had to take care of him and maybe that was the best thing for him.

                                                                                  

They found them. The killers. They didn’t deny it. It’s like they wanted to be caught. Apparently they left the knife at the scene and fingerprints everywhere. I didn’t want to go to the trial. I couldn’t look at the person or people who took away one of the most precious things in my life for no good reason. My sister went. She said they looked pleased. Like they wanted to go to jail, like they wanted to be punished for something they’d done, but not remorseful. She said there was not a drop of remorse or guilt in their faces or eyes. Just happiness, like they were enjoying every bit of it.

And because it went so quickly his body was released soon after. It didn’t take long to deal with the funeral, a week or so. So that was it. Something that was a trip to the shop to grab some milk turned into a lifelong separation from everything I held dear.


	5. Chapter 5

“Come on sweetie. Leave Marmar alone. She’s got some people to talk to.” Maura held onto my hand as I took Eli from her.

“I’m sorry.” She said. I nodded and carried Eli to the opposite side of the patio. I don’t know why she was sorry. I should be the one who was sorry. I didn’t look after her little boy well enough.

Eli itched to be released from my grip and he sat down on the little wall behind the flowers.

“Mummy, Mummy.” He said to get my attention. I looked over at him and saw him wriggling around on the wall. “Mummy, take a picture of me.” I shook my head. I didn’t really want to take pictures at my husband’s funeral. It wasn’t something I wanted to remember. “Mummy please.”

“I’m sorry baby. Not now.” I shook my head again and went to look at the hills.

 

 

“How are you doing?” I heard a voice behind me. I wasn’t quite sure who it was but I recognised the voice.

“Good.” I said wrinkling my nose.

“You can be upset you know. I haven’t see you cry properly today.” I still didn’t turn toward the voice but carried on speaking to them.

“There’s no need. Don’t want to make Eli upset.”

“I don’t think there is any worry of that.” They chuckled slightly.

 A few seconds later I saw a flash behind me and I turned to see what it was. “Can you not?” I asked Louis who was taking a picture of Eli.

“I’m sorry. He asked and, I can’t say no to that.” He gestured toward Eli who had a massive cheesy smiley face and was fluttering his eyelashes.

“Why do you want a picture so badly?” I asked him bending down to his level.

“I want to show Daddy.” He said plainly. I raised my eyebrows in question. “Daddy said we should take pictures in imporlient times.”

“Important?”

“Yes. This is imporlientant.”

I nodded at the small boy.

“Add that one to your other one matey.” Louis said to him. I didn’t know what he was going on about so I blew it off and continued with the day.


	6. Chapter 6

**_ Later that night _ **

Today was brutal. But I knew it would be. I lost the most important thing to me, if it wasn’t for Eli, I would have probably gone with him. I couldn’t bare thinking about it. I had to stand and watch the curtain go round and I didn’t cry. I told people it was because I wanted to stay strong for Eli but it wasn’t. I felt nothing. I felt empty. What is the point of feelings really?

I walked past Eli’s room to check he was in bed, because he started sleeping in his own bed again as well. The book Niall was reading him was on his bed open and it looked like he was trying to read from it. He had learnt a little bit at school but he wasn’t the best reader. I stood outside his room and listened to him talking to himself.

“And that is the elepants from the other story. And the uver animals. See. Dey all got a big rocket ship because the evil man was coming to take the zoo.”

I leaned on the doorway a little bit and saw Eli had something in his small hand but I couldn’t see it properly. I didn’t want to disturb him because he was so cute but I wanted to know what it was, because it didn’t look like anything I knew he had.

“I think I want to be an space man with all the animals on a rocket ship and then we could go into the sky. I think I could do that. And I could take mummy with me. Then she wouldn’t be sad anymore because we could find you in heaven in the sky.” He closed the book and sat on his bed and got under the covers. “And then she won’t be sad anymore.” Eli spoke to the object in his hands before turning it to place it on his bedside table with his book. “Night night Daddy” he said before kissing the picture he’d just put down. He reached over and clicked the light switch on his lamp and lay down facing away from his nightlight that lit up the room and cast shadows on the face of my beloved husband and the best dad in the whole wide world.

 


End file.
